


5 Times People Thought Harley and Peter Were Having Sex

by impravidus



Series: 5 Times People Thought Harley and Peter Were Having Sex 'Verse [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Awkwardness, Banter, Bisexual Peter Parker, Crack, First Dates, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Gay Harley Keener, Harley Keener as Iron Lad, Humor, Ice Skating, Innocent Peter Parker, Innuendo, Just Add Kittens, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Peter Parker, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Peter Parker, Russian Translation Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23569936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impravidus/pseuds/impravidus
Summary: and the one time they knew
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: 5 Times People Thought Harley and Peter Were Having Sex 'Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926220
Comments: 39
Kudos: 854





	5 Times People Thought Harley and Peter Were Having Sex

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Shaderose, Apex_Calibre, and madasazar for helping me brainstorm for this fic!

1

“And then Flash had the audacity to say that the Mandolorian exceeded the original films as if they aren’t complete pieces of art and…” Ned’s gaze dropped to Harley’s neck. “Shit, Harley. Who gave you that?”

Harley ran his fingers over the dark spot, still tender from the night before. “I don’t know,” he said with a sarcastic drawl. “Why don’t you ask Peter.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “Hey! It was you and your toys, not me.”

“Well you didn’t have to be so rough.”

Ned’s eyes went wide as saucers, clearing his throat. 

Peter rolled his eyes. “Ignore him, Ned. He’s just a whiny little baby.”

Ned nodded, swallowing a too big bite of his salami sandwich. “Right…”

_ THE NIGHT BEFORE _

“Stop fiddling with the trigger.”

Peter did not stop fiddling with the trigger. Instead, he continued to disassemble the potato gun.

“You’re tearing her apart! What are you doing?!”

“The rifling is too fine. The potato is going to ricochet,” Peter said.

Harley ripped the “weapon” out of his hands. “Give that to me.” He began to put it back together. “There is  _ nothing _ wrong with the rifling and it will  _ not  _ ricochet.” He pointed it at the wall. “Watch.” 

As if to prove Harley painfully wrong, the potato ricocheted at an even faster speed than Peter had anticipated, crashing into Harley’s neck, causing the taller teen to choke out a gasp and gag. 

Peter, stifling a worried laugh, rushed to Harley’s side, who was now on the ground, holding his hand to his neck, letting out raw coughs.

“Don’t say it,” Harley said with a rough scratch.

“I told you so.”

Harley groaned and collapsed, back hitting the cold lab floor.

Peter kneeled next to him, running a gentle finger over his skin. “Do you need some frozen peas?”

“Yes please.”

“I’ll go get those.”

2

When Harley and Peter entered AP Literature and Composition, out of breath, clothes and hair disheveled, faces bright red, they were bound to turn some heads.

They were not late, so their teacher had nothing to comment on, however, even she quirked an eyebrow. 

“Lunchtime quickie,” Peter heard a girl at the front whisper, her friend snickering at the comment.

Peter stared at Harley with wide eyes, the blonde teen oblivious to what he just heard.

Harley squeezed Peter's hand. “C’mon. Let’s run through our notes one more time.”

_ THAT AFTERNOON _

“Crap.”

Peter looked up from his leftover Pad Thai. “What’s wrong?”

“I left the note cards for our AP Lit presentation in my room.”

“Crap,” Peter repeated.

“If we run, we can be at my place and back before lunch is over. Plus, I might need some help searching my room.”

“We’d better get going then.”

The two packed their lunches into their backpacks, speedwalking to Mr. Coppersmith’s room to drop off their backpacks before heading through the courtyard and sprinting to Harley’s apartment complex. To their dismay, it was an extremely windy day and it left them with their teeth chattering and their hair flying every which way.

After Harley fumbled to get his key in the hole and scoured his messy room for the notecards, they finally found them lodged inside his beanie (though he had no idea how they got in there). With just ten minutes to get back, they rushed back to the school, the chilly air doing nothing for the heavy breaths he was heaving on his run.

At least their presentation on the underlying themes of homoeroticism in Othello went well, but it didn’t help that the class was given them odd stares throughout the whole speech.

3

Peter and Harley were helping Tony finally organize the lab, but Harley’s legs were still burning from his nightly endeavors.

“Peter, my legs are so sore that I can barely walk and it’s your fault.”

Tony choked as he gawked at the blonde boy.

“Oh, you loved it and you know it,” Peter said, a teasing edge to his tone.

“When you said we were going hard and fast, I didn’t think it would leave my legs feeling like Jello,” Harley complained.

“That’s what happens when we do it for two hours.”

Tony’s jaw dropped, eyes almost popping from their sockets.

“You alright there, old man?” Harley asked with a soft chuckle.

Tony just looked between the two, stunned. “I don’t want to hear about that ever again. Agreed?”

Peter furrowed his brows in confusion. “Alright?” Peter grabbed the box that Harley was struggling to pick up with his free hand. “Sit down so I don’t have to keep hearing your annoying grunts and groans.”

_ I’m sure you’ve heard them plenty,  _ Tony thought.

“You sure you’re fine, Mr. Stark?” Peter asked.

“Just great,” Tony said with a plastered smile.

_ THE EVENING BEFORE _

“You are a sadistic fuck, do you know that? You are a masochist and you enjoy watching me writhe in pain and humiliate myself.”

Peter laughed, steadying his grip on Harley who continued to wobble and slip on the ice. “You gotta find your balance.”

Harley clutched tighter onto Peter’s soft sweater sleeve. “Like that’s so easy.”

“You’ll figure it out. You gotta teeter around a little bit before you can find the center of gravity.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t  _ have  _ a center of gravity. I’m too lanky and gangly to have one. You know, I used to be that loser with a rollie backpack because the weight on my back made me tip over too much, but do you know what I did with my rollie backpack? I tripped over that too! Not to mention last week when I fell down the stairs trying to get 3AM mac and cheese. The mac and cheese would have been especially wonderful if I hadn’t tripped again and spilled it on the floor. I ate  _ floor macaroni,  _ Peter. That’s where I am in life right now. Eating mac and cheese off of the floor. I can't do this."

Peter smiled. “I know you can do it. Want to know how I know that?”

Harley scoffed. “How?”

“Because I let go while you were busy running your trap.”

Harley looked at Peter and then looked down and looked up again. “I’m doing it! I’m doing iaaAAAH!"

Peter attempted to grab Harley, but he ended up pulling him down with him, Peter’s chest colliding with Harley’s as he tumbled on top of him. 

Their noses touched, Harley’s warm breath hitting Peter’s lips, sending a shiver down his spine.

Peter scrambled up, pulling Harley up, ending up pulling him back into him, chest hitting his once more, knocking the breath out of both of them.

Peter, face flushed a bright red, slipped his gloved fingers in Harley’s. “Let’s go take a break. Get something to eat.”

Harley nodded thoughtlessly. “T-that sounds nice.”

“Okay.”

Peter didn’t stop holding Harley’s hands even when he had his slice of pizza. The benefits of him being ambidextrous.

4

Harley was pulling off his grey tee before an arduous gym class when Flash whistled. 

“Damn, Keener. Who got you off last night?”

Harley scrunched his brows in confusion. “Huh?”

“Someone had fun.”

Harley tried to glimpse at what he could be referring to until he realized the culprit of Flash’s interest. “It’s all Peter’s fault.”

Flash raised an eyebrow. “Parker? Really?”

“He didn’t know his nails were so sharp and he really just wanted me to get along with the little guy.”

Flash’s mouth that was left agape shifted into a smirk. “Little guy, huh?”

“Yeah?” Harley said, confused. 

“Hurry it up, boys! This isn’t social hour!” their gym teacher called out. 

“Lovely talk, Flash, but I’d rather not run an extra mile.” He pulled on his gym shirt and jogged out.

_ THE PREVIOUS NIGHT _

“Please.”

“No.”'

“Pretty pretty please with a cherry on top?”

“I’m allergic to cherries.”

“Pretty pretty please with bacon bits on top?”

Harley frowned. “You know Mama is allergic to cats.”

“Well, my apartment doesn’t allow pets and it would just be for tonight while he drys off. He’s shivering, Harls. Shivering! He needs a safe, warm, loving home  _ for the night _ and then I’ll pick him up in the morning and it’ll be like he was never there.”

Harley’s eyes softened. “One night?”

“One night, and I’ll take him in the morning, and it’ll be like he was never even here. I’ll even vacuum your whole room if you want.”

Harley hesitated. “Fine. I’ll take him for tonight.”

“His name is Gooby.”

Harley raised an eyebrow. “Does he have a collar or did you name him?”

Peter puffed out his lower lip. “I may have given him a name. But! He just looks like a Gooby. I mean, look at him."

The scraggly, curly haired grey cat stared at Harley with his big green eyes.

“He does look like a Gooby.” He pushed the window up farther. “Come in. If I’m watching Gooby, you’re at least going to help me dry him off.”

Peter entered Harley’s room, the fire escape creaking beneath his feet. 

“Oh, come on, don’t track water in here.”

“You said come in!” Peter exclaimed.

“Suit. Off.”

Peter groaned. “Fine.” He pressed the spider emblem and the suit came sliding off. 

Harley’s breath hitched, his eyes glued to Peter’s six pack for a moment before darting to his eyes. 

“Do you, uh, have a change of clothes?”

“Of course.” Harley bit his lip as he rummaged through his closet, throwing a pair of drawstring sweatpants and long sleeve waffle knit shirt on the bed.

“Thanks.” He looked down at the cat in his hands. “Do you mind…?”

“Oh, no. Of course.” Harley grabbed the cat, his soft fur soaking into his sleepshirt.

Peter slipped on Harley’s clothes, swimming in the comfortable fabric. His shoulders untensed and he melted at the scent of Harley surrounding him. “Aw. Gooby likes you.”

Harley smiled softly. “Yeah. He does.”

“Let’s get you dried off, Goobster. Okay?”

Gooby mewed meekly in response, burrowing his face in Harley’s arms.

“Do you have a…”

“Towel. I’ll go grab one. You…” He set Gooby on his floor. “I’ll be right back.”

Peter ran his fingers gently through Gooby’s damp fur, the kitten purring against his cold hand. “I love you so much, Gooby. I know we just met, but I’m gonna make sure you find someone who will love you as much as I already do.”

Peter looked up as he heard the door click closed again.

“Here ya go,” Harley said, handing him a towel.

“Thanks.”

They sat in a comfortable silence, Peter cautiously drying off Gooby with the towel as he squirmed in his hands, Harley looking to Peter with a fond smile on his lips.

Peter looked up, his curls falling forward and covering his big brown eyes. “He’s getting sleepy.”

Harley grinned, kneeling on the floor next to Peter. “Do you think he’s hungry? I think I have a tin of tuna downstairs.”

“Would you mind? I’m sure he…”

“No worries. I’ll go get it. Do you want anything?”

“Hot cocoa?” Peter asked with a warm glint in his eyes and a pouty lip.

“Hot cocoa and tuna it is.”

“Do you think Harls, Gooby? He’s a real great guy. He’s very special. Just like you. You’re a special little kitty.” Peter bundled Gooby in the towel and waited patiently for Harley to return.

“Sorry I took so long. Mama was wondering what I was doing up,” Harley said.

“Don’t worry about it. We were just talking.”

Peter tickled Gooby’s belly. “Hey Goobs, wake up. It’s time for some food.”

When he heard the sound of the tin open, his eyes shot open. He mewed loudly running to the fishy goodness.

“He must’ve been real hungry,” Peter stated.

“Yeah,” Harley responded. “Here’s your cocoa. Spoonful of caramel, just how you like it.”

“You are heaven sent,” Peter praised, taking a long sip, shutting his eyes and humming in delight.

“Anything for you,” Harley said, biting his tongue as he realized what he said.

“Oh gosh, your shirt is soaked. What did you tell your mom?”

Harley looked down. “Surprisingly, she didn’t ask. Sneezed a bit, but figured it was the pollen.”

“What pollen? New York City isn’t exactly pollen central.”

Harley chuckled. “I’m just glad she didn’t question it.”

“You should change. Don’t want you to get a cold and be out of commission the next time we’re called in for a big bad.”

Harley waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah. I think you just wanna watch me strip.”

Peter’s breath got caught in his throat as he hesitated for too long. “O-of course not! I just, don’t want you complaining while you’re sick and blame me.”

Harley didn’t notice his rosy cheeks as he pulled off his shirt, turning to his dresser to look for a new shirt. However, as he was bent over, Gooby took that as an opportunity to play, and specifically run up his leg and onto his shoulders, sliding down by his claws and scratching down his back as he went down.

“Fuck!” Harley exclaimed. “Gooby!”

“Oh my God! Are you alright?”

“Shit, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick,” Harley hissed. “Gooby, how could you? I trusted you. I loved you. And now you’ve stabbed me in the back. Literally. With several tiny little sharp claws.”

“I’ll go get the disinfectant wipes.”   
  


5

“Ms. Keener, Ms. Parker, thank you for coming on such short notice,” Principal Morita said.

Peter’s face was buried deep in his hands, unable to look any of the adults in the room. Harley had a hand covered his mouth to hold back the laughter that he knew wanted to spill out.

“As you are most likely aware, there was a very serious lockdown this afternoon. Though it was a false alarm, your sons, excuse me, your  _ children _ thought it would be the apt time to sneak off and… and… well, Peter, Harley, why don’t you tell us what happened?”

Harley nudged Peter whose face burned even hotter. 

“Well, Spider-Man and Iron Lad showed up because they had heard of the lockdown…” Peter started.

Macy and May shared a knowing look.

“And Harley and I were in the hallways at the time, so they told us to hide in the custodial closet,” Peter continued.

“And the two decided that was the perfect opportunity to fornicate on school property,” Principal Morita finished.

“Were they… were you… fornicating?” May asked, stifling a chuckle.

“No! We weren’t!” Peter stammered.

“When they were found, they were stripped down to their underwear, or were in the process of.”

“Actually we were getting dressed,” Harley pointed out.

“That does not make it more acceptable!’ Principal Morita stated. “An offense such as this should surely lead to expulsion, but rather than an imperfect attendance record, you two are impeccable students and are valued at this school. So, I am settling for just a two week suspension.”

“Two weeks?!” Harley and Peter exclaimed in unison.

“This is a huge misunderstanding,” Peter said.

“We really weren’t… we would never… we’re not even together,” Harley said.

“Then, would you like to enlighten me?” Principal Morita looked to them expectantly.

“The floor was wet,” Peter blurted out.

“Pardon?” 

“If you notice our clothes are quite damp, not from anything scandalous, but from the mop water that was on the tiles. When we were rushing into the custodial closet, I had slipped on the water and I knocked over the mop bucket. We took off our clothes because were waiting for our clothes to dry.”

Harley stared at Peter astonished. Peter was just thankful that the floor was, indeed, wet, and soak their previously dry clothes.

Principal Morita inspected their damp clothes that clung to their figures. “Well, considering that there was only one witness, and if it were to be just a compromising position at an ill timed revelation, then I…” He took a breath. “I trust your word, Mr. Parker, and the evidence is there, so I will withdraw the suspension. But if this is to become a reoccurring action, then I will have to put my foot down.”

“Thank you so much, sir. We promise, there will be nothing of the sort,” Peter said thankfully.

“I apologize for taking time from your afternoons,” Principal Morita said to May and Macy.

“Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t doing anything,” Macy reassured.

“Thank you for your time. You boys are excused.”

+1

After a handful of misunderstandings, Peter and Harley had cleared the air with everyone, making it very clear that their intentions were pure and there was nothing going on. 

So, there they were, having a nice picnic in Central Park, on a lovely April afternoon. Peter nibbled on his banana and sunflower seed butter, smiling at the sky as he admired the clouds through his sunglasses.

Harley leaned over Peter’s shoulder and muttered in a low, husky voice, making Peter’s face flush a bright pink which made Harley bark out a loud guffaw.

“What? What’s so funny?” Ned asked.

“Just teasing Peter about him and what his mouth can do,” Harley said.

“Oh, let me guess. You guys did the chubby bunny challenge but with gummy bears or something crazy like that,” Ned said, taking a sip of water.

“No, I was talking about last night when it was on my co…”

Ned spit out his water as Peter slapped his hand over Harley’s mouth.

“So, you two finally got together,” MJ stated.

Peter nodded, a mere squeak escaping his lips.

MJ nodded, clinking soda cans with Harley. “Finally.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat, my Tumblr is [official-impravidus](official-impravidus.tumblr.com)
> 
> russian translation: [here!](https://ficbook.net/readfic/9894822)


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